Not on my 2025 BINGO card

 When I was advised I have Bipolar 2 it was a shock and relief.  

The shock was shock or surprise or whatever.  The relief was knowing and understanding.  So many things made sense.  

It's been a couple months since the day.  Now, we go forward. 

Today I'm felling numb.  Numbness isn't the worst of it but it's where things can go wrong.  I'm seeking the high.  I'm so incredibly grateful that I've not sought the high in substances, but I have sought the high in spending or starting new things that bring the high of the new things.  The new things of course bring the spending because you have to buy the things that bring the new thing to life.  I've also been known to start a business or two.  I joked once on the book of faces that I should start a business starting new business and then letting others take over the business because once started I lose interest.  There is a high in the planning and the organizing of a new business.  The spreadsheets and the shopping list and the materials...it's a good high. 

Then if you follow through with the new thing and really put all the monies into it but don't keep going, there is the plumet from the high.  I've spent the money to buy the things, I've mastered the new thing, and the newness has worn off and the high is gone.  Shame and regret start to replace the high.  This is where the worst starts.  

Today I'm numb.  Understanding my cycle and desire to find the high has been life changing.  Not only because I'm able to see it coming but also maybe exercise a bit of control.  I'm trying.  I'm learning.  Today I'm numb.